Dad refuses to intervene when his 10-year-old daughter's lunch is stolen at school daily, claims the thief needs the food more: 'I started making 2 lunches for her and told her to hide one in her backpack'

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Emmy Pratt • Senior Editor
Aug 9, 2024 6:00 PM EDT

If you've ever heard the phrase, "Don't be your child's first bully," you'll probably also enjoy the less classic but nonetheless resonant, "Don't enable your child's first bully." There are a lot of excuses that can be made for school bullies. They might not have the best home life, or they might be taking their anger out on their classmates because they feel bad about themself. Whatever the cause of bullying is, it doesn't excuse the behavior. It's the parent's job to help their kid stand up for themselves, and if they can't stand up for themselves on their own, parents should tell teachers and even admin what's going on. That basic tenet of good parenting seems to be lost on one father of a 10-year-old girl. Her lunch is being stolen in the cafeteria, and instead of helping to stop this, he opts to pack two lunches instead. What could be wrong with that?

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    via CDC

    Photo does not depict the real subjects in this story

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    AITA For telling my wife to drop an issue that our daughter is having at school
    via stopitaita
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    My wife (36F) and I (35M) have 2 kids (10F & 8M). We live in a school district that has already started school and our kids have been in classes for about 2-3 weeks now. Our daughter has been having an issue with her lunch being stolen a few times a week. The school offers breakfast and lunch, but it isn't free. We always put money in accounts for the kids in case they want to eat school lunch instead of what we pack for them, so our daughter doesn't go hungry even if her lunch is taken. She als
    via stopitaita
  • 04
    My wife works night shift as a nurse, so I am the one getting the kids up and ready for school in the morning, including packing lunches. And yes, I put their names on everything. My daughter has told me every time that her lunch was taken. The first few times I asked her to just eat school lunch, but she doesn't always like what they offer. So, I started making 2 lunches for her and told her to hide one in her backpack instead of bringing it into the classroom where the other lunches are.
    via stopitaita
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    I've also talked with her teacher about it and she said she would be more vigilant about the lunches. But that hasn't stopped them from being stolen. My daughter is not the only one having this issue. My wife is up in arms about it and wants to bring it up to the principal, superintendent, school board, etc. She thinks that whoever is stealing from our daughter is a thief and has some kind of grudge against our daughter. I, however, have a different view on it.
    via stopitaita
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    The way I see it, whoever is taking lunches probably needs that food more than my daughter does. If their family had means of providing packed lunches, I would assume they would do so. Same goes for putting money in an account for school lunch. My feeling is that whichever kid is stealing lunches is hungry and I don't want to compound that by making this a bigger issue. The teacher is already aware and I don't feel we need to elevate this beyond that.
    via stopitaita
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    Our family is not in dire straights financially. We do just fine. But I know that isn't the case for everyone. And if packing 2 lunches for my daughter means that a hungry kid gets a solid meal, I'm ok with it coming out of our pockets.
    via stopitaita
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    My wife and I got into an argument about this because she wants to send an email to anyone and everyone at the school district that she feels "needs to know about this." I told her that we should wait and see if the teacher can figure out who the kid is and we can handle this without bringing the whole school district down on this kid and their family.
    via stopitaita
  • 09
    My wife wants to set up meetings with the teacher and principal, but I told her she would need to be the one attending them, because I won't. And since she usually sleeps during the day when the kids are in school, she didn't like that. She thinks I am being an AH by not "protecting our daughter." But our daughter is not going hungry and whoever is taking her lunches isn't either, which I'm ok with.
    via stopitaita
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    Walktothebrook • 20 hr. ago Info, you shared your perspective and that of your wife, but what about your daughter? Does she feel victimized or is she onboard that the lunch thief is a hungry kid and that she is showing that child mercy?
    via Walktothebrook
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    stopitaita OP.19 hr. ago She is keenly aware that there are kids in her class and school that are less fortunate than we are. She sees these kids everyday and she probably has a better idea than the teacher who the culprit is. But she's 10, and as long as she gets to eat lunch everyday, she doesn't have a problem with it. She was upset after the first couple times, but
    via stopitaita
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    after talking with her about it and confirming with her that packing 2 lunches is a solid plan, she's fine. She's now looking at it as she's doing something to help someone else without the other person needing to ask or feel embarrassed.
    via stopitaita
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    Mammoth_Piglet_3063 19 hr. ago · How much pressure did you put on your daughter before she was OK with it? Keep in mind that she is 10 and doesn't want Daddy to be ashamed or disappointed in her.
    via Mammoth_Piglet_3063
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    Now that she knows not to count on you to stick up for her, what happens when something else is stolen? Maybe a sentimental gift from her grandparents or something she saved up her allowance to buy? What happens when she gets picked on and bullied? Do you really think she will go to you for help again?
    via Mammoth_Piglet_3063
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    What happens when someone copies her test and she thinks she has to let them, so she gets in trouble too? YTA for teaching the wrong lesson. You are raising a victim. I am editing to add. I thought my comment was getting too long, but these responses tell me that I should have included the following.
    via Mammoth_Piglet_3063
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    People are making a lot of assumptions. This is necessary since we can't post full novels. I will ignore the assumptions about me, but people are also assuming things about the thief. Maybe he is from a poor family and can't afford lunch. But maybe his parents pay for the school lunch and he doesn't like it, just like OP's daughter. Maybe the thief's parents need to be educated about how much food a growing child needs.
    via Mammoth_Piglet_3063
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    More importantly, maybe the kid is very overweight or diabetic and his parents worked with his doctor to put him on a diet. Maybe there are certain foods he should avoid, but he is too young to understand. Maybe he is in an abusive home and needs to be removed. We don't know, because we don't know who he is.
    via Mammoth_Piglet_3063
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    The teacher said she would try to find out, but apparently, she has not been successful. So, something else needs to be tried. Would everyone who disagrees with me feel the same if a kid known by OP's daughter walked up and grabbed her lunch out of her hands? Why do all the posts about lunch thieves at work get different reactions? There are lots of ways to teach a kid about generosity and helping the community. This is not a good one.
    via Mammoth_Piglet_3063
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    tossburnttoast. 19 hr. ago Yeah, there is also a conversation about boundaries that should happen here. Just because someone else has a need doesn't mean that they get to trample all over other people's needs. If the kid needs the lunch, then it would be better if the problem was solved through communication.
    via tossburnttoast
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    Existing_Proposal655 18 hr. ago While I don't think OP is raising a victim, he's not teaching her to stand up for herself either. We don't have enough info on the thief to know if they were hungry, bored or just bullying her.
    via Existing_Proposal655
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    sheramom4 19 hr. ago YTA. "it's okay to steal if you need it more" is not a good lesson for your child or other children. Would it be okay for someone to come steal your car because they need it more? What about your wallet? What is they stole your daughter's backpack or coat? All you are doing is contributing to the problem. And your daughter isn't the only child being stolen from. What if
    via sheramom4
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    your daughter's backpack or coat? All you are doing is contributing to the problem. And your daughter isn't the only child being stolen from. What if one of the other kids can't afford school lunch and is going hungry? The stealing child may be taking from someone who needs it even more than they do. This needs to be handled at an admin level, so the next step is to meet with the principal.
    via sheramom4
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    ptaite 18 hr. ago Agreed! My mom said the same to me when my stuff was stolen growing up, including cash from my purse I was intending to put in the bank after class. Cash I saved up for an entire year from measly tips of .50 to a dollar here and there. All it did was make me feel unheard and like I should never try to have anything nice because it would get stolen and I wouldn't be able to get it back or get justice. I could have also taken it as stealing is okay for me to do as long as the oth
    via ptaite
  • 24
    OP, YTA. This is a bad lesson to teach your daughter. Get to the bottom of it and stop the stealing. If you still want to help, then you can send a second lunch specifically for the child in need so they don't have to steal, or put money toward school lunches for underprivileged kids at school. But don't just make your kid turn a blind eye to her stuff getting stolen. That's not cool.
    via ptaite

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thieves cafeteria school elementary school kid bad parenting daughters lunch teacher dad fatherdaughter food daughter mom money thief Father
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